It’s that time of the year, when I get older, and the end of the year is nearing. Well, I get older every day, but it’s just more significant in October. It’s the best month.
At the end of 2017, I was all about finding purpose in life, living purposefully and thoughtfully. I had plans to execute. I achieved some of the goals I set: I conducted 3 workshops, and managed to keep up studying Japanese. I still cannot do a clean single pirouette 100% of the time, and my fitness goals are basically rubbish. I’ll take the small wins.
One of my goals was to break even this year for Aiorimono. I can’t be doing this at a loss, I thought, because money is a limited resource and I cannot just keep spending on it according to my whims and fancies. So I made plans: conduct workshops, join markets, sell things to very supportive friends.
My plans were super on track, up till June. A month before that, I decided to take up a freelance job, on top of my full time job. I thought I could handle it, plus it’s extra income that can fund my next holiday and also the weaving course I was planning to take in Japan next year.
At the end of the freelance job, I had many thoughts:
- I was exhausted. I think I tried to do too many things at once.
- I really like doing all the things I was trying to do.
- I realised I cannot do everything that I wanted to do at the same time.
Then it led to:
- Why can’t I just be crazy passionate over one thing so that I can focus all the time I have in the time on that one thing.
- I did not have the energy or time to weave. And I thought I planned to do this for a living.
I didn’t touch Aiorimono at all for 2 months. When I finally did, it took me 1.5 months to complete my weaving, something that would usually take 3 days.
I had an idea, but when I started, it didn’t really turned out the way I thought it would. I didn’t really like what I was weaving. So I left it there, unfinished. I went on a trip, came back, and it was still sitting there.
My colleague was really excited about it though. She kept asking when I would be done with it, and I told her, I weave when I feel like it. Haha. One day, I decided that I should just finish the damn thing, and so I wove the remaining in one night, and sewed it the next night.
It turned out way better than expected. It looks great on my colleague too. And I’m really happy about it. Plus it kept my goal on track.
There is an end to this rambling, I promise. It’s just a while to get there.
I calculated and decided I need to do one more workshop, and maybe Public Garden this Christmas to end off the year on a positive note.
But somewhere in the back of my mind, I didn’t feel like doing it. So I announced the last workshop date once, and didn’t promote or market it at all. Obviously, nobody signed up.
These past two months, I’ve been anxious, restless and envious. Anxious that I’m not good enough at the job that is paying me; restless because I don’t know what I should be doing or focusing on in my life; and envious of others who seemed so sure about their creative pursuits.
I’ve talked about this to my friends, and I thank the universe that I have friends. One of my friends recommended that I read “Big Magic”.
I finished it in a day. It wasn’t anything that I didn’t already know, but it re-affirmed what I already knew, and I think that was what I really needed.
It speaks mostly about ideas, and managing the creative mind. There are many takeaways from that book, so if you are feeling stuck and restless, I suggest you have a read too. It answered all the questions I had, so I won’t spoil it for you. (Truth is, I’m just too lazy to summarise right now.)
So I’ve decided, 2019 shall be the year, where I:
- Do whatever I like.
- Have the courage to be myself. One of my friends actually wrote this to me as my birthday wish. It means a lot to me.
I’m still gonna set plans and goals, but I’ll follow my feelings (and the universe) and do things that make me happy.
Also I happily cancelled the workshop that was not meant to be, and I’m going to watch contemporary ballet on that day.
This is my pre-2019 post. If you did make it to this point, thank you. Hope I didn’t waste your time, but who cares, I wrote it because I wanted to.